My friend greeted me after tonight’s uni class. ‘Beer, Mate’, he said.
‘Wife Cake’, I replied, and nodded.
‘Hot Kid’, we said in unison. And laughed and laughed.
Tonight was nostalgic. It was my final ever class of my Master of Communication degree (before I embark on my thesis). Which also means the final structured and scheduled Asian Snack Challenge.
We walked from class convincing university lecturers and students alike that the Asian Snack Challenge was something to behold. We went into the ins and outs of the names of the snacks, and the concept of the Challenge, bragging just how big it’s become.
I actually had a tear in my eye, reflecting on just how great it’s been. It was a tear of laughter though. We laughed and laughed about the one liners of Kickapoo Joy Juice, Beer Mate, Get that Sausage, Pocky, Mushroom Jerk (not to be confused with my ex boyfriend), Instant Poo. Oh the memories.
Here are some more things that will be etched in our memory forever.
We wondered if Oatmeal Deluxe is a tautology? Oatmeal is a pretty simple food, yeah?
This is a prawn. From a bag of Prawn Salad. No, we didn’t think it was lettuce and prawns with lemon dressing either.
Here is the Justin Bieber of the Asian potato chips.
I wonder what the other 98% is??
So I googled lactic acid. ‘Lactic acid is formed from glucose, and used by working muscles for energy. Now it is thought that muscle cells convert glucose or glycogen to lactic acid. Then lactic acid is absorbed converted to a fuel by mitochondria in muscle cells’. Mmmm these snacks sound delicious.
If EVERYONE says ‘Good Good Eat’ it must be tasty! Mass endorsement.Talk about peer pressure.
Oh Powerful Candy.
It’s like the Superman of candy. I picture a lemon wearing a cape, saving the apples from going brown.
Pocket Rocket. Not to be mistaken for me on most days.
This product contains 0.00% Alcohol. I better have a breath test just in case.
Snack Challengers were coming out of the woodwork. It was as though they were in on our game. Clearly word has got around.
We used Asian Snack Challenge like it was a verb.
‘Do you Asian Snack Challenge?’ I asked others in the grocer tonight.
We met David. He is a fellow Snack Challenger that we happened to stumble across in the biscuit/dried fruit/sweet-savoury aisle.
I talked to David about how often he Challenges the Asian Snack.
‘Once a week’, he said.
I showed him the Beer Mate and the Instant Poo. He enjoyed seeing these things.
David recommended we try some drinks titled ‘Whatever’ and ‘Something Else’. I love these names. Sadly there were not in stock. I will have to seek them out. Import them perhaps.
A lady in the grocer also recommended Kickapoo Joy Juice. We told her we’d tried it last week. I think she told us abut the Joy Juice because she heard how much fun we were having looking and laughing at the candy hot dogs.
We were distracted by the other Snack Challengers in the grocer. Our decisions were hasty. Hell, I could barely make a decision. I wandered around aimlessly with a pouch of pineapple vinegar for so long we missed the train.
And as he reached the bottom of the bag, the nuts kept on getting smaller.
And our conversation was certainly not deep once he drank Deep Master.
If anything, our conversation was shallow. We reverted to talking about how the line ‘do you Snack Challenge often?’ is the new pick up line. And some may say that by met getting a fellow Snack Challenger’s email address tonight is half way to getting a phone number.
My friend paid me the ultimate compliment. On choosing some pineapple cakes for me, he noted they contained high class oil.
‘High class oil for a high class chick’ he said. (The high class chick refers to me.) Awww shucks. What a compliment. Being paired up with oil contained in a pineapple cake. Classy.
FYI the pineapple cake was not nice. It was dry and crumbly and had a wedge of dried pineapple in the middle. My friend thought the middle tasted and felt like bubblegum. He wasn’t sure whether he should swallow or blow bubbles.
Here it is, half eaten, alone on a seat. I rejected it good.
I also had Chocolate Collan. Or ‘chocolate colon’ as I said. I couldn’t open my colon. ‘What’s wrong with my colon?’ I asked.
They were wafer rolls with creamy chocolate centres.
They were so so. Then again, I don’t really enjoy chocolate.
The pinnacle of the Asian Snack Challenge tonight was to be the bevvy. Only because of the name.
I felt like I was finally going to be at one with Kurt Cobain through drinking this young coconut juice with real shavings of coconut in it. I imagined it was going to be like Penny Royal Tea.
Doesn’t this picture of me and Taste Nirvana just scream ‘here we are now. Entertain us’?
But as soon as a popped the cap (or rather, my friend did as I’m hopeless with opening packaging), the young coconut juice smelt like crème caramel baby food.
The line from Heart Shaped Box really applied to this shitty bevvy situation. ‘Hey! Wait! I got a real complaint’.
It was then I remembered two things: I did not like coconut juice last time I drank it. And caramel is a food on my most hated list. The smell made me queasy. I didn’t think caramel had the power to do that, because I never eat it. Note to self: YOU ARE A FOOL FOR CHOOSING THIS DRINK BASED ON CONNOTATIONS OF KURT COBAIN ALONE!
I felt Kurt Cobain let me down. It was not the Kurt I imagined. Courtney Love tampered with him or something.
Yuck. (I still love you Kurt.)
And that my friends is the final Asian Snack Challenge for now. I hope to do sporadic ones someday soon. In the meantime, look out for something big and exciting that the Asian Snack Challenge is destined for in the not too distant future.
It has been a blast. I have enjoyed the laughs and creating the commentary. Thanks for playing along.