I once mentioned that my life is a slippery slope of Vaseline.
My doorknobs. Light switches. Remote control. Gosh, hands up who wants to visit my house? I made it out to be so unappealing!
When I am with other people, I ask them to open my drinks. Make like a girl. Boys like being useful. People that really know me just laugh. My inability to open bottles may be my one actual disability resulting from this ichthyosis caper.
Tonight it took me 10 minutes to open a screw cap bottle of wine. Seriously. 10 minutes.
I used a knife, a wet cloth and two rubber gloves.
By the time I opened it, I wanted to guzzle.
While I admit I am a weakling, a premature baby bird at times, needing to be beak-fed, I didn’t think opening a bottle of wine could be beyond my strength. Hell, there have been times when I’ve carried large televisions.
Sometimes when I am at the bottle-o they ask me for ID. Sometimes when I am at the bottle-o I ask them to unscrew my wine so it is easy for me to open at home. I hurriedly explain I am not going to drink drive. It’s rather embarrassing.
Even those grip mat things get so slippery with Vaseline they lose their grip and don’t serve their purpose.
Life shouldn’t be this way. More bottles need to come with corks for my benefit. That or I need a strong man. Preferably one who does not moisturise.