Walking back to the city with a friend after a rock concert, I saw him. Bumped into him in a dispersed but still strong crowd. What are the chances? It was our first meeting in four years. I wondered if he felt as awkward as I did. It felt strange to see the man I used to love after so long.
The last time I saw him was not a nice time. I left feeling very unwanted. The time before that was when we kissed.
We’ve talked a lot more in recent months. But I don’t think of him so much nowadays. And I still doubt. I didn’t notice the thoughts and feelings evaporate. They just went. They went without warning, probably the best way – no time for me to resist and hold on to pieces of nothing. The feelings that have passed certainly give me hope for my current situation.
We have had safety in distance for years now.That seems a common theme for me. And unrequited love despite something between us. Something. A spark. Not enough to start a fire. But I could easily be drawn in again. Easily. There’s a danger in distance too.
That night, when my ears were buzzing from the noise of the concert, body pounding from the rush of the music, my heart jumped when I saw him. He looked good. As good as I remember him.
We made small talk. The band was great. He was drinking. I’m the local, so where is the nearest pub? Was there really just water in my cup?
And then my heart sank. I wondered if he sensed it. He disappointed me. Again. With no apology. No consequence. Again. Should I have expected anything different?
I realised things haven’t changed, except in my life. This time, while I was still hurt and angry, it was not the same hurt and anger I felt when I loved him those 3-4-5 years ago. And that gives me hope.
I still think of him. The recent him. The one I still love. I haven’t heard from him recently. Not that I hear from him really, except a few ‘likes’ and that one confronting text message merely asking how I am, but his online presence has gone for for a while.
Maybe he’s so happy he’s not there – he no longer needs to be. Maybe he’s so unhappy he’s not here. I worry. I want to ask him ‘are you ok?’.
I could call, text or email. But I don’t. I don’t ask. It is the most self control I’ve shown regarding him, ever.
If I do ask him I fear I’ll care too much again. I’ll care about a response, I’ll care about not receiving a response.That responsibility feels too much of a burden for me to repeat.The heart breaks more than once. I’ve had enough breaks for now. My recent breaks are healing slowly but surely.
It’s the last day of my twenties today. The last day of the decade where I learnt so much. Things are easier to deal with when you’ve learnt from the past. Maybe this is what growing up feels like.
“I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone.”
~ You Learn, Alanis Morissette