“And I wonder when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again?”
~ Foo Fighters, Everlong
I’m the sort of woman who wants to have all my shit together, emotionally speaking. I feel confident that I do a lot of the time, I’m emotionally strong and aware. But lately I’ve become a bit unsteady.
I thought I coped with change quite well. But on deep reflection, I don’t – I am a creature of habit. I have lived in the same house for eight years, worked at the same organisation for ten, and seen the same doctor since I was six. I want routine, familiarity, stability and the knowledge that tomorrow will be relatively the same as today. I prefer creating my own change – paving my own path and creating forecasted excitement for myself. So when I don’t have control over the change in my life, I struggle. I’ve struggled. I’ve cried There’s been too much change to cope with this past month.
I tell myself that I’m lucky to have a full life – but I can’t kid myself, that’s not enough. Right now my heart is heavy and so are my eyes. Things change all the time, right? I’m mature, strong and smart. I’m strong and positive in all other parts of my life, so I feel I should have my shit together in this situation. And so I feel that my inability to cope with change is a weakness.
I’ve written farewell letters – both to and on behalf of – and writing these was like writing eulogies. As I wrote I thought of the past with fondness and the future with fear. I don’t want to do this without them.
Losing influential people is hard. Only they’ve not gone anywhere, except away, and I’m still where I am. I don’t know what’s harder.
I can’t deny the fact that this change (among other factors – good and bad) has affected my skin. I’m the sorest I’ve been in months. I’ve been getting headaches more than three times a week – I usually get a headache once a year. I’ve been worried. I’ve had a short fuse and am trying too hard to please. I’ve had to talk myself into positivity. I hope this is temporary because its no fun being unhappy.
I wonder about grief. I have definitely learnt someone doesn’t have to die for you to experience it. There’s definitely a sense of grief here. I haven’t vocalised my feelings until I’ve written them here. It hurts to write this, it’s been the type of writing that leaves me tasting tears, feeling I’ve run a marathon. Maybe I’ll talk to someone, or maybe these words will be like a bird released?
I can see some blue sky out there, I can. Things have even been surprisingly enjoyable since. I just need to get back that steady feeling of knowing my place.
Change can be a bitch! It doesn't matter how big or small, any kind of change can trigger an imbalance… to me, it's not so much the change that makes life so difficult sometimes, it's the imbalance that the change triggers in your life that causes all the anxiety…
Sometimes you just need to wait for the see-saw to move backwards and forwards a few times before it resets and your life is balanced again – sometimes in a new a different place…
I know what you're feeling at the moment – I'm been feeling out of balance for a while now, but it's only over the past week or so that I feel the see-saw of life is slowing and becoming balanced again… so, hang in there, and try and enjoy the ride (I guess).
🙂
Sorry to read this Carly, hope getting the words out have helped a little x
I knew something was up. Writing is so cathartic, keep writing. It's ok to be sad, feel angry, shit, furious, grieve – don't deny yourself these feelings. Grief is very real in everyday life it doesn't equate only to death. I grieved when we cancelled our wedding!!
You've got a wonderful perspective and you're an intelligent, kind soul…. you'll get through this.
xox
If we never feel 'weakness', how do we know our strength? Is it weakness to feel grief? By some definitions maybe, but feeling grief and loss only makes you human, not weak. Coping with change is something most of us struggle with. You will absorb it and become even stronger in the process. All the best.
Sometimes getting it out of your head and writing it down is the best thing. I like change – but on my terms, which makes it hard to deal with when it's not. Slowly I'm learning to let go and see the positives as if you let the negatives drag you down, you may never get up. Take care x
Hey JJ – thanks for the lovely comment. I am glad that someone else knows how I feel. 🙂
Thanks Carli – writing definitely helped – it was like a brand new day 🙂 things aren't so bad.
Yes – change on our terms is much easier than imposed change. Thanks Jodi
Hey Mary – what wise words. Thank you.
Hey Mez – thank you so much. There's so much more I wanted to say, but obviously can't. I'm sorry you hurt when you cancelled your wedding. See you soon xx
Oh beautiful girl I know how you feel.
I find comfort in things being the same and when things happen out of the norm I feel like I have lost the upper hand in my life.I don't like the feeling of not being in control,even though I know the universe will work it all out.
I wish I could give you the biggest cuddle and make you feel just how incredible and strong you really are.
Whenever you feel out of sorts or just down a little,please go back and read all the wonderful comments here on your special blog.
When you do you will see all the good you have done for so many and you will gain amazing strength from their words.
Much love.xx