I’m on holidays. A staycation now and a short vacation tomorrow. It’s been nice – I’ve done some writing and pitching, some travel planning, some cleaning, and some napping. I’ve also been trying to exercise regularly – going for walks and doing squats and sit-ups. I walked to the post office and back yesterday – it’s around a kilometre, and including talking to three friends and waiting in the queue at the post office, it was a 45 minute round trip. In that time, one man slowed down to a stop to have a look at me, and a lady pushing a little vinyl-covered trolley stopped me to offer me a pamphlet titled ‘A prayer to stop your suffering’. I smiled at the lady, politely refusing her offer and walked on. I also waved on the man, telling him to keep driving, that there’s no need to stare.
These incidents, while occasional, don’t upset me. However I do take issue at people forcing their religious beliefs onto me, with no background knowledge of my condition. There’s no cure, and I don’t need a ‘better’ life, thanks. (I have written about why I am not religious previously – this has a lot to do with how religious people have treated me over the years. I understand that some of my readers may be religious, and some people do ask for prayer in times of need, and I respect that.) Friends – with Ichthyosis and with other conditions – have told me they’ve experienced similar – unwanted healing hands, advice about faith healers and being made to feel guilty for being human.
Good intentions can be rude and presumptuous. I hate that people think my life must be so bad that I need prayer and pity from strangers. I hate that the prayers they offer may be attached to a sense of personal guilt about feeling uncomfortable around me. Especially when I’m clearly not suffering, I am just going about my day doing the things that they’re doing too.
I get the sense that strangers believe we need to be granted forgiveness from past sins, to be healed of an infliction that is seen to be grotesque, and a great condescension – just like a pat on the head, or an “it’s so good to see someone like you out and about” comment. I also think that a lot of what people say to us is because they’re pushing their own insecurities onto someone else.
I feel there’s an expectation that because of such misplaced good intentions, and especially because the religious aspect of the situation, that I will be polite. Because religion is associated with kindness and charity. And so I am polite – I just walk on and smile. But these misplaced good intentions – sheer pity – are rude, intrusive and condescending.
I would much rather the people who offer healing prayers put their good intentions to good use and physically help people in need – maybe working at a soup kitchen, volunteering in a hospital or donating food, toys and clothes to a charity organisation for distribution in the community.
(Source)
Of course with every pitying person comes many, many polite people. I’d much rather a person say hello and smile than clumsily showing me their misplaced good intentions. My life is no less without religion or unwanted prayer and pity, just as it’s no less with Ichthyosis.
(The Matter with Megan has written a much more articulate post about being prayed to, to cure her of her rare skin condition – you should read it!)
(And yes, the situation in that video has actually happened – numerous times – only in reverse. Ridiculous isn’t it?)
The most prayerful invasion I've had to dealduring my cancer recovery with has come from my own family….. 🙁 ……..
What's that saying? The road to Hell is paved with good intentions?
I know people of faith think they are doing others a kindness when they say things like "I'll pray for your recovery" – it's like saying "bless you" after someone sneezes – I think with some people it's like a habit – almost a coping mechanism with situations that make them feel uncomfortable…
Ultimately, there are much better things to do – like when there's a natural disaster – don't send prayers, donate money – or volunteer your time…
I actually wrote a short-story about this last year: http://johnanthonyjames.com/post/33757314281/what-are-we-going-to-do-with-all-these-prayers
I (Evan) has gotten the "aww poor baby, god bless" one too many times. Although most meant with good intentions my response is always "he's a very happy child and has a great life".
I have had so many instances of this, it's quite possible that it has driven me mad. When I was in my 25th or so hour of labor with my daughter, my parents pastor arrived to pray "with" me. I cannot remember what he said but it upset me to the point that my mother threw him from my room and put him on a "do not visit" list at the nurses station.
I have been told by close and dear family members that when I stopped praying I started getting sick.
Now THAT is sick. What a terrible thing to say to a person.
My grandmother ended every conversation with me (and everyone) with "Be well and God Bless". It was a reflex that meant nothing to her anymore. Just as you or I would say "goodbye" as we hung up the phone, that is what she would say. I simply said "thank you" and moved on.
I have a genetic disorder, so who sinned to make me sick? When I ask them that they have no answer. I like that, it makes them quiet, quiet just long enough for me to get away. And away I get.
Thank you for saying what many of us (ok at least I) have been thinking.
Jules
Oh, unwanted prayer! It's not my thing either. It's right up there with calling someone 'special' in a patronising tone which is also a peeve of mine.
I understand some people need prayer in their life, and sure, they should do it. What I don't understand is the need to let others know you're praying.
I totally agree with the 'two hands working' quote, I love that! Sometimes I feel as though people say 'I'll pray for you' because they feel helpless. I think feeling helpless in certain situations is natural, for example if someone is dying, but that doesn't mean the prayer is really doing anything. It's more like when you ask a kid to clean their room and they sweep everything under their bed, just to make it look as though they've done something!
And as for prayer in your situation Carly, I can see how patronising that would be, and how it implies that they don't see you on an even footing. I can only imagine how insulting that must be.
Then there are the people who have The Sure Fire Cure for whatever's wrong. My stomach decided earlier this year it couldn't be bothered working properly anymore and I've copped an amazing amount of advice – people telling me what I should eat, how I should stop taking my tablets, do this, do that. O.K. I know they have the best of intentions and I never say anything mean to them, but, just sometimes I wish they wouldn't. Especially when they get all upset because I didn't get the homeopathic remedy or tried the diet that 'would have fixed it for sure'. Rant over!
This piece is exactly why I think you are so awesome Carly. Well said.
Anyone confronted with aggressive hands-on praying should tell the person involved that they do not need to touch and should go away and pray quietly without causing the person they're supposedly trying to help any inconvenience. Their intention is to gain kudos and an ego-boost because they want your cure to be down to them. You can take away the sting of rejection by reminding them that, if they really believe in God, they believe He will hear them wherever they are.
It's not so much the offer to pray that is offensive. It means well. I often say "God Bless" when somebody is in a shitty situation and I can do nothing other than say something nice. I am not even religious.
It's that people still think that prayer will make you well, and lack of prayer/not being religious/ "moral" will make you sick. That's bullshit.
Come to think of it, it is probably easier for a person to say "God Bless" or "I will pray for you" than having to actually be confronted by somebody's misfortune (I'm talking generally here). Sometimes it is better just to sit down, really listen to a person and say "there is no sugar coating it, it's shit, but I'm here for you".
Hope that made sense…. 😀
Carly, I love this! You know that I am a Christ follower (a very poor example of one but that's who I am). You know that I am proud of my association with my Father Creator God through His Son, Jesus Christ. I do not consider that anyone's physicality is in any way, shape or form a direct result of "sin" or their lack of a relationship w/ Christ. Please do not lump us all in the same lot w/ that group of judgmental, think-they-have-it-all-together-because-they-know-Jesus Bible thumpers. That Bible I read says pure religion is taking care of orphans and widows. When Christ followers show compassion to those groups, then they are religious.
A total stranger once approached us (Addison and me), laid hands on her, prayed (without asking!) and proceeded to tell me that Addison would be "healed" within two months. Really?!? Healed?!? I didn't even realize she was sick!
Carly, you are so wise and diplomatic and I proud to "know" you. Hope your vaca is wunnerful!
So very sad Anon. I hope your cancer recovery has gone well. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks JJ – yes – I think it can be a habit.
Funny thing happened – an older woman told me she hopes I recover some day. I said I won't recover, and then I realised I probably gave her the idea that I was dying, and I felt bad! These situations are truly tricky to respond to!
It's tiring isn't it?
Ahh yes – that old unsolicited advice! I've written about that a lot here!
Just do what is right for you. 🙂 thanks for sharing your story (and reading of course).
Yes – it's the superiority of it all.
I never say "I'm praying for you", rather, my thoughts are with you, because that's what I'm doing.
And I'd never assume someone needs help in the form of divine intervention.
Thanks for reading and understanding Sharon 🙂
Thanks Jules – I am sorry you had to endure that.
I often wonder the logic of people suggesting that we've sinned for our genetic condition to be present.
This belief must harbour a lot of guilt for those who are devout.
Thank how for your comment and support.
Aww thanks Emmy that is lovely of you. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thanks Cila – I think it can be offensive as it is condescending and patronising, no matter how well meaning their intentions are.
I'd much rather a "how are you" than "ill pray for you" from a stranger.
Having said that, I don't feel the same way when a friend says it as I know them and they know me, and it's never in relation to me needing to be healed.
Hey Matthew thanks for yor comment. That's a good point – maybe it is an ego boost or points scoring with god?
Hey Kitty! So glad you commented and told me your perspective. Of course I don't lump you all in one basket – as mentioned, these incidents are occasional.
Sorry you and Addison endured that stranger's intrusion.
Thanks for reading 🙂
I used to be told, "God did this to you for a reason." which would then entail people going on about how their god had a special plan for me. I thought of the perfect response but of course since I came up with it, no one has said it to me. "Yes, and God made you stupid for a reason, too."
I am also finding that as I age and look more mature (grey hair helps a lot with that!) I encounter less direct rudeness and more of only staring. Not that the staring is ok, polite, or in any way acceptable, but at least I don't get subjected to as much verbal idiocy.
Hugs, Carly.
"I would much rather the people who offer healing prayers put their good intentions to good use and physically help people in need – maybe working at a soup kitchen, volunteering in a hospital or donating food, toys and clothes to a charity organisation for distribution in the community."
This goes for so many situations, it makes me so sad that people would rather offer prayer than helping hands or in other cases offer opinion instead of action.
The people who are truly wonderful are those like you who use their voice (and actions) to bring about change.
To each his own with the prayer thing, just as long as people actually do something good in this world rather than seeking guidance about the possibilities! My friends think its hysterical, but I cannot seem to get on a bus without someone tryin to show me the path of the lord jesus christ our saviour son of god. They spot me!! x