Carly Findlay

Writer, speaker, appearance activist. Loving life!

  • About me
  • Say Hello – my book
  • Hire me!
  • Support Me
  • Contact
  • What is Ichthyosis?
  • Ichthyosis + appearance diversity resources
  • Disclaimer
  • Shop
  • Guest post contribution guidelines
  • Growing Up Disabled in Australia

Your curiosity about my appearance doesn’t need to be satisfied with an explanation.

September 9, 2014 Carly Findlay 9 Comments

It is an interesting (not necessarily comfortable) place to be in – the subject of discussion and speculation. Things like this happen quite regularly, still they never cease to amaze me:

While waiting in a queue at a cafe near work yesterday morning, I heard the baristas say things like “she uses cream because her body produces too much skin”, and “we’re so excited she’s getting married…no, he has normal skin”. Of course it caught my attention. I find the language people use interesting. Normal skin.

The baristas were talking to a customer who was so curious about my appearance they asked the baristas about me (when they could have either asked me myself or kept their curiosity to themself). I go to this cafe a lot, and the girls who work there are wonderful – always happy and interested in my wedding plans and they play awesome 90s music.

When I got to the front of the queue, I asked the baristas whether they were talking about me, and they said yes. That customer had the audacity to ask them about me. “Why is her face like that?”, they asked. I was especially taken aback about the assumption that I’d be marrying someone else who looks different.

They handled the customer very well. And they also told me they are often asked about me. Who does that?! But we all agreed that what a stranger looks like is none of anyone’s damn business. It’s certainly not for cafe staff to explain their customer’s appearance.

And then we had a laugh. People are intrusive. It is rude to ask someone directly about their appearance. And it’s rude to ask someone else about it too. There’s an assumption we can’t talk for ourselves, or that it’d be more polite not to ask us. I prepared a talk for a conference I am speaking at today, and one of the points I made is let the person with the disability/facial difference lead the conversation. Don’t you raise it first.

 

I ask you to watch a video. I want to show you that what happens to me is not uncommon. Sometimes when I talk about situations like I’ve mentioned, people try to justify intrusive behaviour. I’m tired of that. This intrusion is real. Unfortunately it’s common for those who look different.

“I wanted to stop telling people what happened to me,” he says in the video. “I wanted to show people what happened to me.”

Just watch this short film by Jonathan Novick.

Before you go to ask someone about their appearance/disability, it’s important to consider how many times that person has been asked before. Because it’s very tiring. Just because you are curious, it doesn’t mean the curiosity needs to be satisfied with an explanation.

 

Share this:

  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)

Related

activism, appearance activism, appearance diversity, ichthyosis, ichthyosis awareness, Uncategorized

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    September 10, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    I find it really weird that the bar staff would answer on your behalf,especially when they know you and know that you're within hearing distance.I find that really distasteful and rude.They should have redirected that obnoxious customer to either ask you or shut up via a quip like "She looks that way for the same reason you look like you do." or had it been me I'd have called you over like "Hey Carly, c'mere…so and so thinks you're the most interesting person in the place and can't stop asking about you."

    Log in to Reply
  2. Anonymous says

    September 10, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Carly,
    Turn the intrusions into opportunities. Educate people (the general public) about ichthyosis to help them understand more about it. Distribute brochures and leaflets that will aid with your activism to those that ask. Perhaps people are genuinely curious and would like to be more aware. Give them the opportunity to become more knowledgeable about the continual challenges presented to you on a daily basis.
    People are always talking about others, in both positive and negative ways, and this discourse can facilitate conversations and greater understanding. Utilise your conversations to engage with strangers wisely for your benefit.
    Naomi

    Log in to Reply
  3. Wendi says

    September 10, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Yes Carly, there's just something about the face that is different, about the body that is different that seems to give noseyness free reign. Living with a mild but evident facial difference, I don't so much get people asking intrusive questions, but I do get people making judgements of my ability to do something based on what my face looks like and their judgements of what I am capable of

    Log in to Reply
  4. Mystery Case says

    September 10, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    I too find it weird that the staff felt the need to answer on your behalf.

    Log in to Reply
  5. Anonymous says

    September 11, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    I will take a different line to your normal fans and be honest. you seem really defensive and angry. While you say you accept your condition, it seems like you have a lot of trouble accepting the fact you don't fit society's definition of 'normal' which will unfortunately come with it staring and questions . Whether you like it or not people will probably stare at you. Does that make it ok? No. Is it rude to stare? Yes. However this will probably never change, whether you like it or not your appearance is 'different'…does 'different equal bad? No way! When I first came across your blog or maybe it was picture of you (I forget) I thought 'oh gee what happened to that girl, is she badly sunburnt'. If I saw you in real life I may glance twice…Like I would if I saw someone wearing an amazing outfit, or if they had a huge cast on their leg, had a really cute baby, etc.am I a horrible, obnoxious bigot? No way. I wouldn't go so far to quiz café staff or ask you about your appearance though which I think was rude. In a perfect world no one would stare at you or question you about your appearance, and of course you are entitled to tell people to mind their own business if that's what you want to do however I think its important to recognise that not everyone who looks twice at you is coming from a place of nastiness…nosiness maybe, but not nastiness.

    For those who are lucky enough to read your blog, its really informative and helps educate the masses about your skin condition. However I don't think you should label everyone who may glance at you twice as horrible, obnoxious or uneducated. People will unfortunately stare at anything that doesn't fit their or society's definition of 'normal'.

    Log in to Reply
  6. Carly Findlay says

    September 11, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    I haven't labelled this customer as horrible obnoxious or uneducated.
    I know the difference between curiosity and rudeness/nastiness. There have been some really horrible people that I've encountered though, and fortunately the good ones outweigh those tenfold.

    Log in to Reply
  7. Anonymous says

    September 11, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Why does she have to educate people every time they get get curious? shouldn't she be able to go and buy a coffee (or whatever) without having to tell complete strangers her life story?

    Log in to Reply
  8. Anonymous says

    October 6, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Agree

    Log in to Reply

Trackbacks

  1. A few thoughts on strangers’ curiosity about my appearance – and the way it’s justified says:
    August 2, 2017 at 9:18 pm

    […] No your curiosity does not have to be satisfied. […]

    Log in to Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Socials

  • View tune.into.radio.carly’s profile on Facebook
  • View @carlyfindlay’s profile on Twitter
  • View carlyfindlay’s profile on Instagram
  • View sqoggle’s profile on YouTube

Book me to speak

Sign up for some love in your inbox

Listen to my podcast

Tune in

Enter your email address to receive new posts by email.

Archives

Popular Posts

  • The Greatest Showman - upliftspirational exploitation and the able gaze
  • What's with the image descriptions on my social media posts?
  • Coke is my washing machine miracle - it de-greases clothes and the machine.
  • The death of Offspring's Dr Patrick Reid. The TV death that stopped a nation.
  • Disability is not a bad thing! - My keynote speech for International Day of People with Disability in Albury Wodonga
  • Interview with Beth Bradfield from Malory Towers
  • My concerns about Wonder the film (and how to talk to your kids about Wonder)
  • Callan Mulvey got married
  • Six at Best - Eddie Perfect - Offspring
  • My review of Wonder the film

Copyright

The material on Tune into Radio Carly is copyright. The writing in this blog is by Carly Findlay unless otherwise stated. Most photos in this blog are by Carly Findlay unless otherwise stated. Please do not reproduce without permission from Carly Findlay. This blog represents my personal opinions and experiences. It does not reflect those of my employers'. The information I provide about ichthyosis is mostly based on personal experiences. Please seek medical advice or counseling before trying any new treatments I've written about. Where stared, I use affiliate links on this blog. By clicking them, I receive a small percentage of the purchase.

Copyright © 2021 · Daily Dish Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.