I’ve got an identity crisis – a career crisis to be exact. I came home and cooked dinner a few weeks ago and thought, is this all there is? And I didn’t mean what was on my plate. I mean, I know I have SO much good going on in my life, and I am grateful for everything. But this daily grind – is THIS all there is? 12 years in, and I’m here. Is this a 33 year old crisis?
I know where I want to be.With a great sense of resentment, I feel like this isn’t what I’ve worked for. I don’t want to do anything I don’t enjoy, anything that I’m not good at, anything that’s not instrumental in creating positive change. And I realise how entitled that sounds – a Gen-Y expecting everything to fall into her lap. But that’s not it at all. It’s not entitlement. It’s something else. And I have slowly realised what it is. I remember when I got back from overseas in 2012. I’d done all these amazing things including speaking at a university conference. I feared that one day I’d fall hard out of the enjoyment zone and hit the ground with a thud, a reality that I was no longer travelling and had to fit in all the nice-to-dos around the core responsibility that funds them. That happened. I suffered holiday withdrawals for months. And it happened again recently. Last year was SO amazing, so action packed, so intrinsically rewarding that it’s been a big comedown. But that was more than just holiday withdrawals. That year was about finding my purpose. I have realised there’s a danger in getting praise and validation for the things I’m good at and passionate about – because the mundane becomes difficult to bear. There was one day recently when I felt so undervalued, yet my byline was on the front page of an online newspaper. People were actively discussing what I’d written because it mattered to them, yet a simple task I did for someone else went without a thank you.
I gave my first paid social media consultation to a client (friend) recently. It felt so good to have my skills and knowledge valued and utilised.
It’s hard to moonlight. Switching between two modes of thinking and climbing different hierarchies is exhausting. The hardest thing is when my passion spills over and I am told that my passion is a detriment. I feel too mouthy, too rebellious – despite being one of the most sensible and conservative people I know. I had hoped being named one of Australia’s 100 Women of Influence would open doors, not close them. It seems that being out and proud about disability is confronting for people. And their prejudices – perhaps about my disability, and perhaps about my activism and public profile – show. I am not going to stop being true to myself.
Someone told me I can’t have it both ways – I can’t expect success in both careers. That upset me a lot. Maybe this is my version of not being able to have it all.
I constantly feel like I need to prove myself in the corporate arena. Constantly. That I’m more than a red face, that I am educated, capable, skilled, accomplished, that the illness component of Ichthyosis is not a liability and the appearance component is not something for people to be uncomfortable with. But perhaps this is all I’m going to get. This is all I will amount to and be expected of. And I am not ok with that.
I’ve worked too bloody hard to settle.
This is an incredible and open post from the heart Carly. Your opinion always matters. You made a huge difference to so many lives. Keep being true to yourself and things will fall into place. Big huge hugs to you because you're brilliant. Xx
I love the honesty in this post.
We live in a thankless society.
I love my job, but sometimes it sucks the life out of me. I think that's normal.
I hope you find something that is more happy- making x
What are you doing when you feel the most like you? Maybe it's time to take a leap and just do the thing that makes you feel alive.
You are the best thing since sliced bread, even better with peanut butter on it! love you!
Oh Carly…I acknowledge you and how you are feeling. I think we have all been there, done that at some point.
My dad was a physician, and once I told him that I was in awe of a job that seemed to be so insanely exciting and interesting. His reply was very surprising. "All year it's mostly the same thing. Snotty noses and flu in winter, and school physical check-ups in summer. Maybe once or twice a year I see something really interesting and challenging."
Mostly, our day to day lives are uninteresting, a means to an end, a way to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, maybe a few luxuries. A drag, as it were. One foot after the other, go home and do it all over again tomorrow. I'm not sure I know one single person who is "in love" with their everyday job. Even my high level corporate friends and family occasionally sigh and wish they could just quit and do something else. Maybe, if we're lucky, we have something else we do that adds the passion back into our lives. There is success in the corporate world if we believe that being employed, and having a decent income and conditions is a kind of success. It's not always about recognition, although we crave that too.
You know where I am in my life: a older, kids grown, grandchildren, too close to retirement and needing a work change that may or may not happen. I lost my way for a long time: wife, mother, kid taxi, work. I still don't know if I have rediscovered me, but I may be digging myself out at long last.
You have passion. No matter what "they" tell you in the corporate world, you have YOU. And don't ever, ever forget that.
Someone told me I can't have it both ways – I can't expect success in both careers. That upset me a lot.
There are only so many hours in a day. At some point Carly, I believe you're going to have to choose between between careers. The only way you could have it all the ways you wanted is if you gave up sleep, and you'd still make sacrifices, probably the ones that involve self care and being with people you care about.
It's ok to be frustrated, to be dissatisfied. If you're not, then you need some new goals!
Hugs.
Aw man. Thanks for sharing this. I am just going to let it sit with me for a while. Life can be so confusing, can't it? x
Carly, I think the nose to the grindstone part of any job is dull. Even when its what you've always wanted to do/be. The sameness of days can be a killer. Finding the joy can be hard. I don't think you will ever "settle" for less than what you want – you know you wont. Hugs to you!!
*hug* Sounds like a difficult place to be in right now. The difficult times often end up giving us opportunities to reshape our lives, and we're often grateful for them in retrospect… but damn, they suck at the time. I hope you find your way through to utilising to the full your talents and skills in both sides of your life – or to combining the two sides of your life to make a living from doing what you're clearly so passionate about (and good at). 🙂
Hey. Chin up buttercup. Sometimes it's not the big things that change our world. It can be the small things. Just being a good human is enough. Sometimes just a smile at a stranger is enough to change someone's attitude. "From little things big things grow"
The meals that you prepare are nutrition for the day. The quiet times are nutrition for the busy times. The battle is to feel valued all the time. As an artist I always return to drawing apples when I have a crisis of subject matter. It is my anchor. I suspect your anchor is your writing.
I'm very proud of you Carly Findlay. Xxx
Brilliant! I know this situation well. The qualities which us switched-on disabled ppl admire – being articulate, having pride, being a great team player – are bizarrely not appreciated or rewarded in most workplaces. The guts that you need to have to thrive are not welcome. A lot of us struggle with this. We will however support each other. I still expect you will smash the streotypes as you get older; I have a lot of faith in you.
I am so very much there right now too. It's frustrating when you're "made" to feel dumb and lesser than what you're capable of.
This is an AMAZING post Carly. Amazing. You are speaking from your heart but it's reflective of what all our hearts feel at times – just within personal contexts. The comments in the post are spot on. We all feel the daily grind…
I'm twice your age – ouch! – and the most important thing I've ever done was write the grants for, and supervise the installation of a playground in 2004. It's 11 years later and at some point it will be out-dated but until that time, at least I know I have "bricks and mortar" – not to mention over 1,000 children have enjoyed it. Not much to show for 65 years! I do have to remind myself of the very small influences I've had on other people – including connecting people on Facebook, which you've facilitated too – Hello Cecile Goldenberg! As long as we are out there in our local communities, and the global community, I'd say we are doing OK. That said, I'm so looking forward to your Meet-Up in May! I expect tons of pictures and posts.
I like my job too but I never expected it to be my passion or uber fulfilling- I have very low expectations which is why I think I'm pretty happy. My job sucks the life out of me too sometimes, which I expected. It came as no surprise!
Hope you find something that suits you soon x
Hi Carly,
Now I'm not being patronizing at all but I do understand how you feel, being a blind person and having also been in the public service. I don't feel you get an equal chance at promotions but ultimately a cubicle life is soul destroying anyway and both my wife and I have left the cubicle lifestyle and building our own businesses.
I highly recommend you take a look at Natalie Sissin who offers a brilliant program on building your ideal lifestyle business –
http://www.dalereardon.com.au/byob/
I personally bought the bundle package (down towards the bottom) but also check out the Freedom Plan link as she is currently doing a free video series on what it takes to build a lifestyle freeing business.
Personally I think you are too capable and skilled to remain in the public service unless you climb much higher and you would be far happier as your own boss. But that initially causes financial stress and you have to be a certain type of person to cope with uncertain income levels.
However there are going to be a lot of business opportunities with the NDIS and you could work in that field.
Alternatively you could consider wholly embracing your unique disability talents and focus on getting a job with the NDIS – you may have to move to Geelong though and I think you could really do well there.
You need to work out what is going to satisfy you emotionally and do it while you are not too financially commited.
I love Natalie's philosophy of working out what "income source" can fit around your lifestyle and going from there.
Dale.
Thanks so much for the great tips and encouragement Dale. I real appreciate it. And I will look at Natalie's course. Glad things are working out for you.
I know. I should. Thank you.
Thanks Cheryl. What a great achievement! Really appreciate your support.
You are a fantastic writer Carly, and you motivate me simply through your passion – not just for your writing, but your enjoyment of and engagement with life in general (something I often find hard) – through Adam and your love of food and your friends. The little things shouldn't seem mundane, they *are* life. And I have never doubted that you can have it all, not for one second. Because you work for what you want. That's what really motivates me when I feel like I can't achieve something, is to see my friends doing what they love, even when it feels hard.
I think we all feel this way sometimes. I can definitely relate. I moved countries, got married, had a baby and I was like "now what?" For me- deciding to follow my secret dreams of being an artist and writer have made me feel alive. I'm clawing at thin air and sometimes I just want to give up. Keep pushing Carly! You have a lot of great stuff going on. Something will come to you. xo
First time here ever, Carly, but I saw your title in the sharing thread on the 1000 Voices page and had to click over. I am going through a similar thing. Six months ago, I left a career that was eating away at me in many ways. It had to be done. Since then, I've been trying to build my new life, new career. Some days I feel great and positive, others (like right now) I feel like I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I'm trying to do. But I feel like what you said at the end – I've worked too hard to settle. Thanks so much for sharing this so honestly – many of your words are good for me to hear today. Hang in there! Sounds like you have the spirit to forge ahead and reinvent yourself. That is so important!
It's like reading myself. The other day I had a total breakdown exclaiming "Why are we doing this? What are we doing? We just keep cleaning up the kitchen and it keeps getting dirty. We keep making dinner only to eat it and have to eat all over again. WHAT ARE WE DOING?!"
I don't know which way I want to pursue either.
One of my favorite bloggers/activists, Jess at Militant Baker, just recently became a full-time blogger/activist. She might be a good person to have a chat with.
Carly, I do understand the frustration you are feeling, esp. as I was a part of that same system for a long time. One day you will be able to walk away with no regrets – hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I worked hard for nearly 20 years and experienced sidelining because I was part-time and had a child with disabilities and suffered from depression and anxiety which led to a suspected stroke. Since accepting my redundancy last year I've felt more exhilarated and alive and purposeful than I ever have before. It's time to try to develop an exit strategy for your day job so you can live the life you are meant to live. Good luck with it x
I wonder if you are outgrowing your current purpose. You have shone a light on disability and have changed things in ways you may not even be aware of yet. You have made people accountable for their ignorance and educated them, that's changing lives. Now it seems you're more settled, and I wonder if, in fact, the purpose has changed. Perhaps it's heading in a new direction?
That restlessness you write of is something I was familiar with for a long time. It's gone now. I changed my direction. I cannot recommend it highly enough. xx
I've been pondering this post. I haven't had the public successes that you have had, but I have had crises of identity and crises about what work I am supposed to do. I am learning through trial and error that how I feel about my 'true purpose' work (as opposed to paid work) ebbs and flows. Then today, reading a book called 'Perseverance' by Margaret Wheatley (read it! read it! it's awesome!) I read this and thought of you:
"We move between extremes feeling great then terrible, energised then exhausted, successful then a failure, accepting then resentful, peaceful then angry, joyful then despairing. These shifts don't mean much, every emotion comes and goes, often followed by it's opposite. Just wait a bit, and you'll see your emotions change. They'll change if you let them, if you don't get all tangled up about why you feel this way"
Big hugs to you Carly. Hang in there. 🙂
This is a beautiful post Carly, I love your honesty. Your voice should ALWAYS be valued, no matter the forum or the topic. I hope good things are coming in your day job x
Carly Findlay I am totally with you. I founded my diabetes charity and support services in 2001 and busted my guts for all these years, winning awards and grants and a PhD scholarship. Then the real grind started with govt reports and budgets and staff to manage as well as my own diabetes and life. I reinvented myself with Recycled Interiors and it's been an amazing journey but now I feel like I live 2 lives as these 2 parts are so different. …i have wondered if I have to give my old self and work up to fully immerse myself in the new and go as far as possible. I decided just this week that no, I don't. I am who I am in all my crazy, multi faceted, creative, life sucking self. And that's ok. Go with your heart and your gut. They will lead you. And I love you and everything you do xxxx rock on babe
Hey. Chin up buttercup. Sometimes it's not the big things that change our world. It can be the small things. Just being a good human is enough. Sometimes just a smile at a stranger is enough to change someone's attitude. "From little things big things grow"
The meals that you prepare are nutrition for the day. The quiet times are nutrition for the busy times. The battle is to feel valued all the time. As an artist I always return to drawing apples when I have a crisis of subject matter. It is my anchor. I suspect your anchor is your writing.
I'm very proud of you Carly Findlay. Xxx
Great post and I can relate to this. I think I felt this around about the same time when I was in transition at work. I was losing my job, had a child on the way and was finding the work I loved no longer a challenge. Now I'm doing post-grad research at Uni, feeling like I don't deserve being there but enjoying the challenge of having my mind stretched. I also excelled at my work and many people heaped praise on me and I don't get this as much at Uni but I do enjoy the stimulating discussions and believe it or not the challenge of being out of my comfort zone.
We've all been here – but let's face it, this is life! No job is ever going to completely be satisfying. Every job will become mundane. Jobs are a means to an end. I would say a large majority of professional people are highly qualified and skilled, but that doesn't mean that we are going to be always treated with respect in the workplace. It how you live your life outside of work that should give your life meaning!
You said, " I am an influencer in blogging and social media, disability and appearance diversity activism and advocacy, but I can't influence a decision elsewhere", have you ever thought of working for an organisation that works with people with disabilities? I'm not familiar with the disability sector, but many organisations are wanting to becoming patient-centered and enlist staff members to ensure that clients views are taken into consideration. For example, in public mental health departments there are consumer consultants and family/carer consultants – they get paid to advocate for consumers and family and carers in the mental health system. People who have these roles have a lived experience of mental health issues or caring for someone with mental health issues. Someone I used to work with had one of these roles and used to work for a commission that helped shape government policies etc.
Another fantastic post. I look at you and see only a successful freelancer writer & speaker. I am still struggling to get some traction. Like everyone else said, maybe it is time you worked in a more fulfilling environment for your skills.
This post stayed with me when I first read it and it resonates on re-reading. I think these cross-roads are important (even if painful). They represent the times in our lives when change is close by. I hope you find everything you seek – you deserve it.
I feel like this post could have enjoyed a good heavy edit. With so many typos, run on sentences and cliches, it read a bit like a self pitying frankenstein of blog posts. I'm not really sure what the point was? Did it need to be that long? Who is editing this? Do you even like writing because it is not evident from what you post here. You arent demonstrating a love of writing or grammar. Have you heard this saying "speak less than you think"? I enjoy it! Listen to criticism and improve from it or you won't make it.