Carly Findlay

Writer, speaker, appearance activist. Loving life!

  • About me
  • Say Hello – my book
  • Hire me!
  • Support Me
  • Contact
  • What is Ichthyosis?
  • Ichthyosis + appearance diversity resources
  • Disclaimer
  • Shop
  • Guest post contribution guidelines
  • Growing Up Disabled in Australia

How to be a good ally when a disabled person you’re with receives stares, questions, comments and discrimination

October 31, 2021 Carly Findlay Leave a Comment

It’s community question time!

”How do allies respond to the stares, questions, comments and discrimination disabled people receive?”

This is a question I get a lot – especially from new friends, as well as new parents of kids of Ichthyosis.

It can be quite confronting and upsetting – and it’s hard to know what to do. Seeing the person you love receive intrusive questions and be ridiculed is hard, especially when it’s relentlessly cruel.

My parents were always quick off the bat with “she was born this way” or “no, she’s not sunburnt” when I was little. Mum once told me she left me outside a shop in my pram (it was the early 80s!) and she came back to a few people gawking at me! I know

Adam took a little time adjusting to the stares, questions and comments that I get. He commented that it was really noticeable, but now he rolls his eyes with me, or says funny things back.

Personally, I don’t love being spoken for, I can usually hold my own. I don’t want a friend or family member or colleague to provide an explanation about my appearance or skin condition.

But I do like it when the person I’m with speaks up to say that the behaviour is rude, and also when they acknowledge what happened to me. Like “I hate to see this happen to you, are you ok?”. I have a really fond memory of a former manager asking if I was ok after some discrimination happened to me – he said he didn’t know what to do to make it better, but just the acknowledgment that it was shit was enough. I also had a stranger on a tram call me an Uber after rude mother daughter pair refused me a seat as I didn’t have a card to prove I am disabled.

So here are some tips from me:

  • A stranger doesn’t have the right to know a disabled person’s diagnosis or medical history – even when asking about access provisions.
  • Have some responses up your sleeve – like “it’s none of your business” or “please don’t be so rude”.
  • You don’t have to be polite – especially if the person with the questions and comments isn’t polite.
  • The disabled person is not a teachable moment – don’t divulge more info about them than you would yourself.
  • Parents – you don’t need to tell a stranger your child’s medical history. This can set up an expectation for the child to do the same.
  • If you witness a discriminatory incident, offer assistance in lodging a complaint.
  • I know this can be a really confronting thing for the ally to witness, especially if they’re a parent and they’re constantly on the receiving end of it/their child can’t speak for themselves. I definitely recommend getting some counselling and talking it through with a trusted friend.
  • I get stared at so much – it’s been nearly 40 years of it – that I don’t tend to notice if it’s not overt. Please don’t point it out to me if you’re noticing it. Just let me enjoy my day.
  • It’s also not helpful as an ally  to tell your friend how hard it is to watch this happen, or that you didn’t know what to do, or now you too have experienced discrimination  – especially if you’re not going to make a concerted effort to help remove the ableism as an ally.
  • Don’t stop going to a place or doing a thing because you’ve experienced ableism – that only makes the disabled person feel they’re the trouble. Work on asking the venue/event organisers to make it a safer space.
  • And it definitely isn’t acceptable to stop seeing your friend because the ableism they receive is too much for you to handle. (I’ve had this happen.)

And the most important thing is, to tell the disabled person that they’re worthy, that they aren’t the sum of the rude comments and questions being thrown at them, and that you love them. Make it known that they are loveable, even when they feel they’re not.

Now it’s over to you. Do you have some tips on how to be a good ally when ableism happens to a disabled friend or family member? Leave a comment on my Instagram.

Image: a woman with a red face and short dark curly hair tied back, standing at a sandy wall. She is wearing a red and pink dress and a colourful jacket over her shoulders. She’s adjusting dark sunglasses. In the top right is blue background with white text that reads “How to be a good ally when a disabled person you’re with receives stares, questions, comments and discrimination”

Has this helped you? You can buy me a drink – please!

Share this:

  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)

Related

Uncategorized

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Socials

  • View tune.into.radio.carly’s profile on Facebook
  • View @carlyfindlay’s profile on Twitter
  • View carlyfindlay’s profile on Instagram
  • View sqoggle’s profile on YouTube

Book me to speak

Sign up for some love in your inbox

Listen to my podcast

Tune in

Enter your email address to receive new posts by email.

Archives

Popular Posts

  • What's with the image descriptions on my social media posts?
  • The death of Offspring's Dr Patrick Reid. The TV death that stopped a nation.
  • Interview with Beth Bradfield from Malory Towers
  • Creamoata: a much loved, yet lost food of my childhood. Help me find it.
  • Coke is my washing machine miracle - it de-greases clothes and the machine.
  • Talking microaggressions with Jon Faine on ABC Radio
  • Ichthyosis Awareness Month - The Girl Behind the Face: "Life’s rarely been split between either laughter or tears; both have existed simultaneously."
  • Disability is not a bad thing! - My keynote speech for International Day of People with Disability in Albury Wodonga
  • My review of Wonder the film
  • Fashion I do not understand: the no pants look.

Copyright

The material on Tune into Radio Carly is copyright. The writing in this blog is by Carly Findlay unless otherwise stated. Most photos in this blog are by Carly Findlay unless otherwise stated. Please do not reproduce without permission from Carly Findlay. This blog represents my personal opinions and experiences. It does not reflect those of my employers'. The information I provide about ichthyosis is mostly based on personal experiences. Please seek medical advice or counseling before trying any new treatments I've written about. Where stared, I use affiliate links on this blog. By clicking them, I receive a small percentage of the purchase.

Copyright © 2022 · Daily Dish Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.