So 14 January passed. And I thought of him. Like I said in this blog post, I get sentimental around this time of year.
And I will continue to be a bit sentimental until 23 January.
Then I won’t think of him for much more than five times a year.
It’s weird. Because I know he won’t be thinking of me.
I guess I am a hoarder – of possessions, and of memories. Sometimes I can remember things in such detail it scares me. I shouldn’t look to the past so much and dwell, but I’m doing much better in living in the moment and setting goals for the future.
I have put other people out of my mind. But there’s two, sometimes three, I can’t shake. And sometimes I close my eyes and concentrate deeply to remember things that I’m scared I may forget. Incase I never find it again.
It’d be nice to find love again. Sometimes I worry that I am going to be a catless spinster (I don’t particularly like cats, hence catless).
It’s very difficult meeting someone when one looks as visually different as I do. In no way am I putting myself down, but realistically, it’s hard for people to look past the physical exterior.
People say to me, ‘of course you’ll find someone’. Hmmm…sometimes that’s an easy consolation. Finding someone may be easier when you don’t have a chronic illness or disability.
Although I didn’t really like the movie version of My Sister’s Keeper, it warmed my heart to see Kate and Taylor meeting in the chemotherapy ward. The scenes of their relationship were beautiful. They had their cancer in common, and of course a mutual understanding of their special needs.
I once went on a date with a guy who sent me an email post date to tell me he didn’t want to pursue a relationship because he couldn’t handle my illness – it would place too much pressue on him. Yep. Not that it places any pressure or restrictions on me. Anyhoo.
Sometimes I wonder whether it would be more viable for me to build networks and possible relationships to potentially find love in the disability community, but then I feel a pang of guilt when I think ‘I’m better than that’ – but what I really mean is, I’m good enough to find love in all parts of society. Gosh I hope that didn’t come across as being condescending, politcally incorrect or insensitive. Because that wasn’t my intention.
I’m 28 and what if I get to 35, 57, 83 or 106 and have no one except for the memories I keep now?
Gosh I didn’t mean to bring the usually uplifting tone of this blog down.
Finding love is not the be all and end all of life, right? There is so much in my life now – great job and colleagues, great friends, wondefully supportive family, study, volunteer work…
But every girl dreams of finding her Prince (or Princess) Charming, right? So I’ll be dreaming.
*The opening line to The Lover After Me by Savage Garden