I haven’t felt this empty in a long time. I have so many things to do – a radio segment, eat, uni stuff, groceries, my tax, washing – but all I want to do is stay under the covers and cry.
In the last day, I have had a couple of emails for advice about how to deal with ichthyosis. I will answer them soon – but right now I can’t articulate what I am feeling, and so I don’t think I can be the best role model.
People have said to me that soon I’ll find someone else who will love me. I’ve written about it before. These words are encouraging, but not realistic. When you’re me – red, chronically ill, noticeable and often ignored or bombarded with questions because of my appearance, it’s not easy to simply go out and have someone find me attractive and want to take me home and hopefully fall in love with me.
I’m not what you’d call ‘easy’. I guess not being easy comes by default – I can’t be easy when advances aren’t forthcoming. So when advances are made, I tend to show a greater sense of caution and trust, because I know that the person making the advances must be looking past my red face and taking care not to hurt me, physically and emotionally. And even when someone is completely wrong for me, the fact they appreciated me as a person, and appreciated my body, I find it hard to detach myself from them. Even when they’ve asked me to. And especially because the attribute I love in them is that they accept me wholly.
This afternoon I am doing a radio segment about dating and disabilities. I will have a lot to say.
I didn’t think it would be so hard. I want to feel happiness again.