Lately I’ve been experiencing self doubt. I need to shake this off and make like the frog and the message above*. I need to realise my ability and be more confident. I think it might all come down to to the fact I am seven months before I turn 30. And I think I really just need to drink a cup of concrete and harden the fuck up. Or write it all down. Don’t fancy the taste of concrete.
Turning 30. I am a renter. Earning an average wage. My bank account, unlike me, can’t keep a healthy weight. Single. Childless. Nothing on the horizon to change these things.
In this past week I’ve had two friends get married (to each other), two friends announce their pregnancies, three friends go on or due to go on maternity leave, and one friend had a baby. I have two, maybe three wedding invites for this year. I am so happy for my friends, no doubt about it. It’s exciting times in their lives. But I can’t help thinking that I won’t settle down and get married and have kids. It’s not that I even want kids if they are badly behaved. I said to my Mum that I am reaching the age when she had me. She said she often thought she wouldn’t find anyone either. She reminded me that as I wrote once, someone will come along one day. And then I reminded her that she is normal. End of conversation.
I wonder what it’d be like to be in a long term relationship, with someone who has their shit together. Someone who loves me as much as, or even more than I love them. Regular sex. Mundane stuff. Letting myself go. I wonder if I will ever plan my wedding day outside of my head. I wonder whether I will be a parent – or even have a choice about whether I want to. Silly thoughts, I know.
He’s been in contact again. When the initial text came through, while in Brisbane with my colleagues, none of which knew about him, before the all you can eat seafood buffet, I went white and a bit shaky. It came out of the blue. Earlier this week he gave me some encouraging words and told me he still… er…thinks of me. A friend recently gave me some wise words – ‘you wouldn’t be friends with someone who broke your arm, so why would you be friends with someone who broke your heart?’. And in between the late night texts between him and I, I thought of my friend’s wisdom, and I continued to text.
I’ve been in a career slump too. My morale and motivation has taken a beating. I just don’t think I am getting anywhere. And of course I have been doubting my best ability – my writing. I’ve had to have two tough conversations at work – tears were involved. I rarely get nervous but before these conversations I felt so anxious. Stomach in knots, shaking, tears welling up. This never happens to me. Fortunately now I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. And deep down I wish I had more time to follow my passions and dreams – to write more, do more TV work, and become a motivational speaker.
Sometimes I worry that my talents are only recognised because of my chronic illness. Would I be able to influence people with my writing without ichthyosis? Would people still find my stories interesting? I worry that I am not a good ambassador for the disability community because I don’t have a severe enough disability or feel as strongly about political change as I do about social acceptance and inclusion. Sometimes I don’t want to limit myself to just writing about disability, because in that field, all I have is my own experience. I have two Ramp Up drafts in progress, but I don’t feel like I can take them far as the subjects are so close to my heart – and then I fear the subjects have already been covered by other writers.
I often wish I didn’t have to explain why I look this way to strangers. Who else has to justify their appearance to others? I shouldn’t have to pretend I don’t hear kids’ remarks about my red face so I won’t offend their parents by answering back. My friends shouldn’t get tired of the stares and comments that I no longer notice being thrown in my direction. I do feel privileged to be able to share so much of myself with strangers, but God, I do tire of looking this way. Sometimes I just want to get on with my day.
I know there are people out there doing it much tougher than me. I know I have a great life. And I’ve had success, and been given so many opportunities. And it won’t be all doom and gloom for me. But I also know that I can come to my blog and write posts like this and feel much better – even before I receive comments. And to the person who googled ‘carly findlay is a beautiful lady! you go girl! xx‘ – thank you 🙂
*picture was on Bern Morley‘s Facebook this morning.