Feeling like myself

For the last week or so, I’ve felt the most like myself since late May.

The side effects of chemo have been minimal – just sore skin. I’ve been able to get out and walk, and even do some weights and squats to help rebuild muscle. I’ve cooked and eaten good food. I’ve been out with friends. I went to work to have lunch with my colleagues. I’ve done things that have given me purpose. I’ve caught up with some life admin. I’ve read books and listened to poetry and podcasts. I’ve laughed a lot. I’ve enjoyed the sunshine. People continue to be amazingly kind and generous. And there’s still some more good things to come this week – even with chemo on Friday.

Since the day I arrived home from overseas, everything has been about potential cancer and then confirmed cancer. Life has changed immensely. I feel a sense of grief for what I’ve lost – for the organs that were removed from my body, as well as for how life was. I miss it. I miss having regular work and a good income, having energy to take me from day to night, travelling, being invited to events (don’t stop the invites please – let me decide if I can attend), connecting with people, and being a little more carefree. (And I acknowledge my privilege, that even with only Ichthyosis, I was able to live a very active life – while many disabled people are unable to, due to various personal and systemic barriers.)

I’ve cocooned while my body heals. I’m still cocooning a lot of the day, because I become sore and tired at about 3.30 pm. But I’m emerging, slowly. I can feel the sun after a dark, cold winter.

And it feels good.

I loved my outfit today, too. A couple of people have said it’s very Mary Poppins. I’ll take it.

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I’m not working as much right now. If you’d like to buy me a drink, you can do on PayPal. Thank you.

💜💚

Images: Carly, a woman with red skin, wearing a navy jumpsuit with green, purple and white flowers on it, a big collared purple shirt under, black boots, a dusty green jacket with jacaranda brooches on it, purple hat with an owl brooch on it. She’s smiling, standing in a garden and on a porch.