What I owe people

As my one year anniversary of surgery and cancer diagnosis comes closer, I’ve been reflecting on how much of myself I’ve given.

Writing has been a way to process it all, and also to educate and raise awareness – particularly because when I was told I might have cancer, there was no info on cancer and Ichthyosis available.

I told people so much about my cancer – my symptoms, diagnosis, surgery outcome, menopause and treatment I was having. I talked about how cancer treatment affected my physical and mental health, and the interaction between treatment and Ichthyosis (even contributing to an academic paper about this). I talked about the financial challenges and barriers to accessing support. I advocated for research funding and raised awareness throughout Frocktober. When the doctor declared I was cancer free, I rejoiced and provided a public update. I continue to talk about how I am still processing all that happened to me this last year, and my progress rebuilding health and strength.

I gave a lot.

But I kept things to myself.

I didn’t talk about what stage cancer I had.

I also didn’t mention the types of drugs I was on for chemo.

And I talked about the weight I’ve lost, but never the number.

These were very deliberate decisions.

I didn’t mention the stage cancer as I didn’t want people speculating on how much time I might have left in this world. The ongoing targeted trolling I endure takes its toll, and I knew that my cancer would be something these monsters would be gleeful about. I didn’t want anyone making assumptions about my prognosis.

I talked about some of the trolling I get on the weekend. Some people were posting about why I hadn’t provided an update about my treatment – when I didn’t even know myself. Gross.

Chemo was really hard on me. I am aware of my influence as an activist and advocate. I didn’t want to put anyone off doing chemo because I’ve had a bad experience. Everyone copes with treatment differently.

And I promote body positivity, yet I struggled with my own self image. Well meaning people commented on my body.

I’m a public figure. I share a lot. But there are things that I keep guarded. I don’t owe the world my entire self though my advocacy.

Images: Carly, a woman with red skin and short dark curly hair, wearing a burgundy velvet blazer over a teal floral top and wide legged navy pants, standing in a street and a doorway, smiling, holding a handbag.