Frocktober – what to say to a friend who has cancer

Here are some things to say to or do for someone who has been diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness.

Say “I’m sorry. I’m here for you when you need.”

Acknowledge how shit this is.

Check in regularly – a text to say you’re thinking of them, ask how they are, send them a photo of something nice you’ve seen today.

Give useful gifts – I liked nice tea, fidget toys, a pretty dressing gown, beanies and scarves.

Attend hospital appointments with them. I loved the chance for catch ups with friends during chemo.

Help them with life admin – like insurance and Centrelink applications.

Send suggestions of shows to watch, podcasts and albums to listen to, books to read.

Send them a meal voucher (for a home cooked meal service or food delivery service), or a laundry voucher. Uber vouchers are good if they can’t drive.

Drop them some groceries (check what they can eat first).

Send money or vouchers – although cancer treatment in Australia is mostly free, it’s a financial strain to be off work or on reduced hours.

Offer to do their dishes, walk their dog, hang out their washing, babysit their kids.

Go for a walk with them, or do a gentle gym class like dancing, Pilates or yoga.

Put your worrying energy to good use and make them something. My colleagues made me a beautiful quilt, and that’s how they coped with worrying about me.

Continue to invite your friend to events, and take precautions when they come – if you’re sick, don’t attend, wear a mask, take breaks.

Don’t offer them medical advice, ask what their prognosis is, or tell them that you know someone who’s died from that cancer.

If you don’t know what to say, say that. “I don’t know what to say to you right now but I’m here for you.”.

Don’t be silent or disappear. I remember those who were there. And those who were not

I spent a lot of time delivering my bad news to people, and managing their emotions. Try not to place this burden on your friend who has cancer.

Donate to my Frocktober fundraiser – – thank you.

Video: Carly, at various stages during cancer diagnosis & treatment, looking fabulous. Her voiceover is on vid.