My changing body shape

CW: discussion of weight and body image

I went to Pilates this morning. I haven’t been going as much as I did last year, but that needs to change. I need to schedule exercise through the week the same way I’d schedule a meeting.

I haven’t been feeling as good in my body as last year. My clothes feel tighter – especially pants.

One of the hardest things about my cancer experience has been my rapidly changing shape and size prior to diagnosis and during treatment, and then due to menopause. I lost weight and I gained weight. It’s been hard – particularly when I’ve always had a good sense of body image prior to cancer. I think that is because of my skin condition and facial difference – learning self acceptance and pride, and the medical difficulties overshadowing any vanity.

But during cancer treatment, there were times I’d look on the mirror and not recognise myself. I was very thin. My curves vanished. And sometimes my pyjama pants would fall down as I’d walk. I remember my Mum and I laughing that my thighs looked so scrawny due to muscle wastage. I hated having to weigh myself once a week, maybe more.

I did come to enjoy being a smaller size – I felt taller, and I was comfortable wearing jeans.

Now I find it hard to do my jeans up. My torso is rectangular and a bit lumpy. Sometimes my skin hurts due to my body having more curves. Again, my body is unrecognisable to me.

I honestly don’t feel safe to talk about body image, shape and size publicly online, especially with thin privilege. The call for body neutrality or positivity is so loud. The anger and exclusion towards people who choose to undergo weight loss surgery or take weight loss medication verges on cancel culture. The disdain for and moral judgement of people existing in larger bodies is still also far too prevalent.

Weight loss and gain, and bodies changing shape and size due to illness and medication, and also menopause, needs to be spoken about more.

I love how Pilates makes me feel – especially the gentle movement and the progress I’m making. I also enjoy wearing cute activewear. Here’s to doing it more so I feel good about my body again.
💜
ID: Carly at Pilates, in bright clothes.